If You Love Me, Let Me Go
by Childe of Satan
Summary: McShep. Angst. If if you love, then you can let me go. I'm not who I use to be. Few season 3 spoilers. A little bit of a redone to it.


Title: If you love me, then let go

Author: Satanschilde

WARNINGS: Some season 3 spoilers. Slash, Angst, Hurt/Not so much comfort. Kinda AUish. no beta.

Pairing: John Sheppard/Rodney Mckay

Rating is M for Mature

Notes:This is NOT a DeathFic.

This is also my VERY FIRST ATLANTIS FIC. I had an idea and was stuck between two fandoms. Heard Evanescence's new album THE OPEN DOOR and Song 3 just screamed to be written into a story. It's kind quick and really sad. So I'm giving you heads up on that. Review if this sucks are what. I want to know if I should stick with my SG1 guns... I

**I redid the story and added more to it. Changed things around a bit. It's more Mature in nature and more angsty. Thank you for reading and the review :)**

**and hope you enjoy the changes. '_these are past tense.'_**

Disclaimer: The producer, actors and creators of Stargate are meant no harm by this story. It is an act of Fanfiction, and should be taken as such. If anyone believes this to be real, then please email me and I will send you the address for mental health. This is just for my amusement and hopefully someone else out there would like it. Reviewing is appreciated. Good, Bad, I want to hear the truth. Evanescence is meant no harm from this story. Thank you and enjoy

* * *

Lt Colonel John Sheppard stood on the pass-way of the place Rodney McKay now called home. The cold winters chill dug into the light jacket he wore.

_"I wish we could tell them.. I wish we were allowed to scream it throughout the halls of Atlantis_."

Pulling it closer to him, he made his way up to the front steps and hesitated ringing the door bell. He knew someone was home from the cars and the driveway and childrens laughter coming from inside.

_'If you dare tickle me again... I swear John, your be..'_

_John smiled down at his love, 'I'll be what?' He continued to tickle right behind Rodney's right thigh. _

_'Yo..your b...be... sorry...' the highly ticklish Rodney tried to state. _

_John just kept on with it, loving the sound of Rodney's laugh. Lost in the moment he didn't realize until Rodney had flipped them over. _

_A devilish gleam hit Rodney's eyes. 'My turn!' With that he made his way down John's body_

Rodney had a side that very few had seen. He was a very loving guy, okay children weren't his strong suit. He had no patience for them, but it was not like him or John would be having any. As long as they had one another that's all that matter.

Now he was volitarly be living with his sister and her family: John heard from people who had heard from others that Rodney had become the doting uncle. A deja vu of "Rod" popped into John's mind.

_'He's so much that I am not, John. I know Jeanie wishes he were her brother instead of me.'_

_'She loves you, Rodney. I love you.Never forget that. Never!'_

If only John was with Rodney that day, maybe just maybe things might be different. They would still be on Atlantis, happy. Together.

Shaking his head he tried to remember the good times, but the bad times seemed to take prescendence. His love was gone. In all of a blink of an eye.

The explosion was a stupid accident with someone touching something that was off limits. That person was lucky in John's eyes with their death. No love of theirs would suffer the silent heartache and pain that John has been going through.

Rodney was in a coma and the outcome was not so good. But, Rodney McKay is one stubborn mule. He beat the odds. After 13 days he finally opened his eyes. 13 days after Carson told John that there was substantial brain damage and if he ever awoke he would not be the same. Sadly, he was right.

**You don't remember my name.**

He remembered when his love finally was awake enough to answer simple questions. That had been 20 days since they had their last kiss. 20 days since they made love. He would have to hold on to those memories. For they would never be repeated. Rodney suffered from memory loss. Permanent memory loss. Tissue was damage. Something about the side of the brain... John blocked it all out. All he heard was that his love was hurt and he was going to take care of him and make him better.

After a few weeks, Rodney became distant from John.

John was trying too hard to help Rodney. He was mother henning him and all it wound up doing was angering Rodney.

A few weeks later, Jeannie McKay Miller showed up to take her brother home. John put his foot down, but as everyone reminded him he had no say in the matter. They didn't know about them.

It killed him inside when informed that Rodney himself had contacted her.

_'He forgot me. He doesn't remember.'_

He had asked about his family and was informed he had a sister. Things were too much for him in Atlantis and he really had to get away from John. Not that he let anyone know that, but some guessed.

Rodney waited until John was off world to leave. Unfortunately, when John came back and found out: He blew a gasket and tried unsuccessfully

to find ways to leave Atlantis and drag Rodney home.

As the months went by things happened, people died, and John truly needed a break. That's how he wound up here on the Millers front porch.

John's finger hit the door bell as the front door flung open.

"Took you long enough to finally ring that thing," the snark was still there in his voice, but never reached the eyes.

"Hi, Rodney." John smiled at the man in front of him. He couldn't help it; He looked good. Real good.

"Rodney... I've got to get use to that. I've been called Mere for so long..."  
"Mere, who's at the door?" Jeannie interrupted with.

"It's Colonel Sheppard." With that Jeannie made her way over to the door.  
"Colonel?! I'm sorry but I thought Meredith made it clear that..."  
"It's okay, Jeannie. Really. I'll only be a few minutes then I'll help you with the dishes. Promise." Rodney gave his sister a heartfelt smile that just broke John. Never again would he be on the receiving end of one of those smiles.

Jeannie walked away and Rodney slipped outside shivering as the cool wind caressed him.

"Rodney, I'm sorry I just had to see you. It's been such a bad time that I just really needed to see how you were... And if..."

Shaking his head, "And if I remembered anything? I'm sorry Colonel.."

"John," he interrupted with. "Have you read any of the notes you kept on your laptop? Maybe something might..."

"John." Rodney interrupted with. "I'm reading the words of a ghost. Not one world on that scream means anything to mean. I'm sorry but the man that loved you died in that explosion. It's been over a year, you have to get over it."

"Get over it?! How the hell do I get over loving you?"

"Move on. That's the first step."

"But, I don't want to move on. I want to help you remember us. Help you become who you were. I want us to be the way we were."

"No! I don't want that. I can't have that. Don't you understand why I left Atlantis?!"

"Your sister came and you wanted to..."  
Rodney's drastic shaking of his head stopped John dead. "It was you. I had to get away from you."

"No." John shook his head. "No! Why would you want to get away from me? I love you, I want to help you get better."

"You will never understand. When your around me, I feel like I have the weight of the world upon my shoulders. No one should ever feel like that."

The tears tried to break free from John's eyes but he held them back. Making his way over to Rodney, he placed his hands on his shoulders.

"I never wanted you to ever feel anything like that, Rodney. Is that what my loving you feels like to you?"

Rodney didn't answer him. He just closed his eyes.

"I love you, Rodney!! God, damn it. I love you." Tears were fallen from John's eyes as he pulled Rodney into his arms.

_'I love you.. John.'_

"I love you..I'd never hurt you.."

"Please, I love you..."

Rodney allowed John to hold him. He was surprised he did not even feel the urge to comfort the distressed man. His arms hung limply at his

sides. This man, John Sheppard's love was truly gone. His Rodney McKay was no more.

Finally having had enough, Rodney pulled himself away from his ex lover.

"Rodney?" John wiped at the tears from his eyes.

"If you love me, then let me go." He told John while moving back toward Jeannie's front door.

"No... We can try... See if..." John started to walk toward Rodney was was held back. Rodney held his hands up in front of him.

"I won't be held down by who I used to be, John. Your Rodney is gone. He's dead.I know you don't believe in me safe in the dark...

How can I make you see? That this is what's best for me." He made his way over to the door and turned the knob. John didn't follow this time.

"If you ever truly loved me: Let me go."

With that he went inside without even a backward glance to the distraught man on the walk way;Aand closed the door.

Lt Colonel John Sheppard stood on the pass-way of the place Rodney McKay now called home. The cold winters chill dug into his light jacket he wore.

Tears free-falling from his eyes he turned and walked back to his car. He turned around to face the house one last time.

"Happy anniversary, Rodney."


End file.
